UGH!!!!!!!!!!! Why does the body have to break down? Or really i guess i should say the mind. I cry when nothings wrong and then can come up with things to be sad about, how is that normal or how does that make sense? It doesn't really.
And I feel like I might end up taking this out on Arvin but all i really want is to just be held, even when I push away.. i know that, so what makes me push him away anyways?
I miss him, but I don't like that feeling. Or the feeling like I just want him to hold me and like I'm counting on him to take it all away.... thats not his responsibility nor do I want to feel that way or make him feel that way. I made that mistake the last time, yeeeea diffeent guy but I'm afraid I'm just going to keep replacing my dad with these guys in my life, and I think I am. I miss him so much when no ones there. Like yesterday.
I don't know if I actually miss HIM so much, or just the idea of a dad..its hard to tell.

Is there something wrong with not liking to be alone? I don't think I do much anymore and I used to find a lot of solidarity and peace in being alone... that's kinda sad and I think growing up, life and guys will do that to you.

So I guess I should probably talk or use my subject somewhere in here hey? Hm.. I have 3, all it really means is 3 people I should let myself count on and that will always be there.. i trust them completely but I think their the only 3 people that I can.
I mean its relatively impossible for them to turn their backs on me and thats my mom, grandmother and Stephen (my brother), oh and my dog. I love that little mut soooo much.
Everyone else hurts you, leaves and is unpredictable.. family should always be there right?
I really hope so, because I can't stand more loss in my life.
Then again... my dad was family.
I suppose I can't blame him for everything, I mean he still wants to see me and be in my life, I just don't want him there.
Why? Becuase life is simpler, and maybe i'm still trying to prove a point and punish him.
Secondly because if feels like it's too late to do anything else at this point. Just tired of trying you know? I'm not gonna make it easy is all, and he won't fight therefore.. it probably will never be rekindled.
Which is okay right?

So this boy, he's willing to be there and pretty much always is.. but it always seems the times when he's not is when i'm breaking down.
Is that okay or good? Am I breaking down because he's not there to distract my mind or am I breaking down because life has taken it's toll... I think it's okay if it's the second one.. but the whole delay and distraction thing.. that doesn't sound healthy. just sounds like i'm pretending or delaying feelings which is definetely NOT HEALTHY!

I think i'm also pretty tired with school and the furnace, dad, my car accident, worrying about my mother, Timmie's broken leg, money, my neck and other life worries. Just doesn't make it easy.

If we have to put down Timmie I can honestly say I'm not sure this family will be able to hold it together.
I really do think my mom would break down completely and she's already having enough of a hard time. And I think the worry about my mom from it plus the pain of losing my baby brother would be really really hard.

Anyways I'm really tired again gonna go back to sleep!